5 02 2010

Allow me to quote myself. On December 31st, in the year of Our Lord 2009, I wrote the following when discussing society’s New Year’s Resolutions:

Food Industry: End the use of ketchup packets. It’s stupid, it’s pointless, and it bothers the shit out of me. Every other condiment at most fast food places comes in a tub: Barbecue sauce, ranch dressing, honey mustard, yet when I get fries, I have to surgically open 62 ketchup packets to get an adequate amount to start dipping. GET SOME KETCHUP IN SOME TUBS. We’re not putting a man on Mars here, it’s a reasonable request. Get moving. I need my fries slathered in ketchup!

Well guess what, bitches?

POW! Look who is changing society one post at a time! New Year’s Resolutions are coming true, and it’s not even March.

Let’s read on:

The new ketchup pack, unveiled Thursday by H.J. Heinz Co., is shaped like a shallow cup. The top can be peeled back for dipping, or the end can be torn off for squeezing. It holds three times as much ketchup as a traditional packet.

Did you see that? Three times the ketchup! This must be what it feels like to survive a drought and feel then rain come down upon your dusty face.

Rejoice America, Rhyme&Reason has stood up to oppression, and oppression has tucked its tail betwixt its legs and run home, leaving behind only a puddle of urine and a trail of whimpers.

You’re welcome, America.




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