Lady Gaga: singers get remembered, but legends never die

8 01 2010

Somebody who knows the cousin of the aunt of the sister of the manager of Lady Gaga needs to make sure she reads this post, because I am about to make her the most famous pop star ever. Bigger than Michael Jackson. Bigger than Madonna. Bigger than The Beatles. Well, maybe not. But I will make you. I will effing make you.

But let’s establish some boundaries. I don’t like you. I have very little respect for you. That being said, I’ve accepted the fact that you’re here to stay. People like when you dress like a bloody tampon, or bubble wrap, and they love speculating whether or not you have a penis. You have become more than a flavor of the month, even if I’ve decided that flavor tastes like shit.

So here’s what I’m offering you — immortality. I want you to become a pop star unlike any other before you. I want Lady Gaga to be bigger than you, Stefani Germanotta, I want you to make Lady Gaga a symbol.

Get this: In 5-10 years, or whenever you hit your peak and your star begins to fade, I want you to find a protégé. I want you to find a young woman who represents the absurd, fantastical side of pop music like you do. I want a young, daring woman who will dress like a muppet hunter and hit a few high notes (she doesn’t even have to be pretty. You know, since you aren’t. No reason to hold a double standard).

And I want her to become Lady Gaga.

You’re barely human at this point anyway. You’re a voyeuristic show, you’re Britney Spears’ Carnival on LSD. You’ve layered yourself in so much erotic, fantastical symbolism, that you’re more puppet master than puppet. The transition would be accepted by everyone.

Stefani, understand this: You are not a musician, you are a persona. And you’ve crafted an excellent alter ego. So much so, that it should not die when you inevitably stop making good music (if you ever started). Your persona should live on.

Make Lady Gaga a title. Make it the crown of the bizarre pop princess. Like the Red Queen of Wonderland, you could make Lady Gaga be the eternal ruler of your fantasy world. Make her a symbol and she’ll never die. Of course, you’ll also stay embarrassingly rich, since you’ll have been smart enough to retain some royalty rights to the Lady Gaga franchise.

This could be huge. It could be the Miss America of music: Lady Gaga will stay a household name for generations, even if it’s held by a myriad of anonymous women. It could be the girl version of James Bond. Being cast as James Bond is like joining an elite brotherhood, on par with being named Poet Laureate or knighted.

But you’ll have to have a couple rules. First, this isn’t a yearly deal. Only when the last Lady Gaga has peaked and her star publicly falls can she be replaced. There is no set timeline, no expiration date for a Gaga. Second, her music has to be reflective of pop music in the time she is living. We aren’t sending out Lady Gaga clones — one day your music will be lame, so Lady Gaga has to be bigger than music. Her sound has to evolve.

Also, as long as a Gaga represents the spirit of Lady Gaga, a Gaga may come from anywhere. Black, white, foreign, America, whatever. Like I said, this is bigger than an artist or a particular sound — THIS IS GAGA DAMNIT!

This will work Lady Gaga, and you will instantly join the pantheon of pop artists. It has to be you too. No one else. Because of your chameleon-like appearance, because you wear masks, because you’re hair is always changing, because you are always changing, you can pass on your persona to another person without backlash. Chris Brown can’t be the next Usher, who was never going to be the next Michael Jackson, but Gaga? Gaga can survive.

You’re actually the only woman in the world that could pull it off. You’ve got the vibe, you’ve got the look, you’ve got the balls (maybe). It’s time for you to become a legend. It’s time for you to never die.

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