Cheater!

4 12 2009

Someone call the vet, these pythons are sick.

I really try to keep my nose out of celebrity gossip, but there are times — like, oh, I don’t know, right now — where it is unavoidable. Damn it, Tiger Woods, why did you have to bang a bunch of old cougars then play pinball with your Cadillac, fire hydrant and a leafy tree?

Eldrick, your fuck-ups have really brought the hammer down on men everywhere. It’s not just you though, our best and brightest continually use their heads to get their heads in trouble. Kobe Bryant. Bill Clinton. Albert Einstein. Jude Law. Hugh Grant. The ex-husband of Heidi Klum. Picasso. John F. Kennedy (you know it’s true). Ryan Philippe. Charlie Chaplin. Elvis. I can keep going.

These aren’t simply remarkably talented men (except for Hugh Grant, there’s no talent there), these are some of the most famous men in the entire world. And those men who live in today’s world are constantly photographed, constantly monitored, poked, prodded and all the rest. Yet they still cheat. Blatantly.

What the fuck is wrong with you Eldrick? You left a message? On her phone? What, did you think she was going to delete that shit? “Oh, it’s just Tiger Woods, the first $1 billion dollar athlete in the world, tryin’ to bang me. Into the trash with the rest of my voicemail you go.” They have you on record: Text messages, voicemails, emails, notarized copies, facsimilies, carrier pigeon receipts? I know you didn’t become the king of your realm by being a complete fucking idiot, so how did you not think this would happen?

Listen, I’m going to break this down for you. Think like a rapper for God’s sake. You’ve got your weed man: He holds the sticky bud and makes the calls when you need to re-up. You got your gun man: He holds your Glock .40, because you caught a charge at 19 and you don’t want that automatic year-long sentence. You got your jewelry man: He’s in charge of the ice and makes sure when you arrive in Houston with $250 K worth of jewelry, you leave with $250 K worth of jewelry.

THEN YOU HAVE YOUR ROAD-BEEF MAN: He’s your most trusted confidant, and he only buys pre-paid cellphones or pagers. He calls whoever you want to meet with in your harem of hoes, your flock of floozys, your brothel of bustdowns, your cavalacade of— well you get the idea, and he sets up the incognito meeting with said skank. HOW DOES THIS NOT MAKE SENSE?

And this isn’t a generational thing either. Every single time you learn about history, you find out that the most important men, the child prodigies, the Alpha Dogs they all cheat. Really.

Benjamin Franklin wrote a letter titled “Advice to a friend on choosing a mistress”. He used to fornicate with the French like he was trying to repopulate Paris with a legion of mini-Franklins. If these guys — who are widely regarded by society as being able to pick any woman in the world, aka the perfect woman for them, aka a woman you would be far less likely to cheat on — are cheating, what hope is there for Joe Schmoe?

Seriously famous men, stop fucking this up for the rest of us. If you “idols” and “heroes” and “actors” can’t keep your nose clean, then no woman is going to think I can. Because even with the argument that Alpha Dogs are hard wired to cheat, it still begs the question:

What about the rest of us guys?

This isn’t a whole world full of Alphas. But it could be true that the whole world is full of cheaters, so what are these other bums excuses?

I’ll be the first to admit, I do believe part of it is the levels of testosterone we have. If testosterone is proven to increase sex drive, and men have more testosterone … well it’s not hard to find a connection there. And I know there are women out there that are as virile as men are, but it seems to me that those women are the exceptions that prove the rule.

There are men out there who love their significant others with the heat of a thousand suns. But if they are put in a precarious sexual situation, well, it’s nature vs. nurture, and nature’s got claws and teeth and shit. And testosterone. Lots of testosterone.

Doesn’t matter if your wife at home is hotter, or a better cook or can suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch (ew), those points are totally irrelevant at this stage. And at this stage, it just become a numbers game. If Steve is A horny and B% able to solve A with Girl C, how hard will Steve hit on Girl C?

Point is, I get why cheating happens from a man’s standpoint. Between the competitiveness, the horny-ness, the thrill of the chase-ness, there are reasons for which I understand how said cheating occurred.

But here’s the rub: It’s got to stop. Stop cheating. Please, think of your brothers around the world.

But if you really cannot stay faithful to someone you might (but probably don’t) care about, do what Derek Jeter does. Don’t get married. Nobody cares if you’re married or not, so for the sake of all of us, if you’re going to cheat, cheat on your girlfriend, not your wife. You’re ruining it for the rest of us non-cheaters, a group that apparently gets smaller every passing day.

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3 responses

4 12 2009
Oz

First off, let me point out you need to stop watching The Wire…

And you said it, he is the “first $1 billion athlete”. He can do whatever the fuck he wants to. He bought his wife a YACHT for her anniversary. You think she is going anywhere? Nope. He is arguablly one of the greatest athletes in the world. He is the best golfer of our generation, maybe ever (probably not). Game over. He wins. Ipso facto, he does what he wants.

4 12 2009
Andy Paschen

What does he win? What’s his prize? Being a huge asshole? Being good at golf and buying someone gifts is carte blanc for cheating? I don’t get your angle here.

24 12 2009
Joe

Have you /seen/ About A Boy?? Gotta love Hugh Grant

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