Him&Her: “Dude, she’s way smarter than you.”

1 12 2009

Oh, men and women. They say some are from Mars! And the others? Venus! And you can’t live with them, but you can’t live without them either! Other tired, generic phrase about the differences between men and women! We’re having fun now!

But seriously, there are some fundamental differences between the sexes. Example: Women. Anyway, point is, some of these glaring not-so-subtleties are manifested during the key demographic: 18-24.

Oh no, that age bracket isn’t just for advertisers to brainwash young adults (There’s an app for that, Hoo-ray!), it’s a key developmental time for young adults who must learn to swim after being towed around on the back of mama and papa duck.

Unfortunately for guys, this is also the time when all of that talk about “Women mature faster than men” actually starts proving to be true. From this point on (18-24), it’s pretty safe to assume that any woman is smarter than you. You just have to look at the signs.

See that woman over there? You know why she’s smarter than you? Because she reads in public. I’m not talking about on vacation or on the train to work reading-in-public. I mean she legitimately chose to spend her free time reading in a public setting. I’m not saying some men don’t do this, but if you’re reading a Tucker Max book or Spider-Man comic, chances are you didn’t go to the local Starbuck’s or lay a blanket out in the park to do so.

(Also, if you’re reading a Tucker Max book, you shouldn’t be reading in public anyway. It’s embarrassing, like when people wear t-shirts with profanity or vulgarity. You don’t look funny or cool, you look like a dick. A Jim Halpert, if you will. Stop it.)

And God knows, if she reads in public she does other smart stuff too, like she has indoor foliage.

Living indoor foliage. On purpose. Owning a plant is just a few notches down from owning a pet. And owning a pet is just a few notches down from owning a child. Can you imagine owning a child right now? Ye gods, get that hydrangea away from me before I’ve got a toddler running around the house, knockin’ into all my shit.

She washes her sheets in a appropriate allotted amount of time. I don’t even know what an appropriate allotted amount of time is for washing sheets. Men are a simple folk, and we live by one rule when it comes to laundry: The Sniff Test. If it smells, then it should be washed relatively soon.

If it doesn’t smell, then everything’s Kosher, and you repeat The Sniff Test at a later date. That’s it. That’s the whole thing. Smell, rinse (or don’t) and repeat.

She’s been to a museum or gallery on her own. This overlaps with the: “She can name an artist not named Van Gogh, Picasso, Dali, Klimpt or Da Vinci” rule. I always think people that go do stuff on their own, such as going to a gallery or museum or art show or what not, are much smarter than people that don’t. I also have no evidence to back up this claim.

Lady, you're way smarter than me.

She reads poetry. (see She reads in public.) For the life of me, I cannot understand poetry. Why don’t you just find a good musician, and make millions with your poetry instead of struggling in obscurity? That’s what 50 Cent did. Look at him now! He sells his own brand of water! Water! Water is free! And he sells it! Fantastic.

She stopped doing drugs in high school/college. There is nothing wrong with doing drugs, as long as you’re responsible about being irresponsible. But for her, it was just a phase, one that she quickly grew out of when she decided she didn’t want to spend entire days re-watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia whilst baked.

I have never met a guy who smoked weed in high school and quit by the end of college. On the vast continuum of men and their smoking habits, there simply isn’t a place for “I used to smoke, but then I was done with it on my own. I swear, it’s not because of a court order, random drug testing or my current living situation in Joliet Correctional Facility, in which I have to trade my drugs for shower protection.”

But I have met plenty of girls that have hit it and quit it, for no reason other than, “Eh, it just didn’t do it for me anymore.”

She has a fridge full of potentially spoilable food, but nothing is spoiled. In our refrigerator, there is always some food that has gone horribly awry. It’s fucking disgusting. And even if it looks like everything is in order, if you search long enough you’ll find it. Something that’s supposed to be green is now brown, or something that’s brown is now green — and I there’s no doubt by the look of it that it smells like the inside of a Wookie’s ass. For some reason we are incapable of identifying nearly spoiled items and discarding them properly.

This is why we only eat frozen foods from ages 18 to marriage. It’s the only way to guarantee whatever you’re eating doesn’t have a heartbeat or higher-brain function.

You ever had milk so old that the indents in the sides of the plastic jug now push out? I have.

Food is a huge indicator of woman’s superiority to man, like the fact that She doesn’t play garbage Jenga, either. Once the trash reaches the top, the trash is taken out of the house, right?

Nope. Wrong. Not for us it’s not. I can balance that soda can on top of that old banana peel like it’s a Chinese gymnast from Cirque du Soliel. Pizza boxes, soda cases? We collect those on the side of the garbage like a 9-year-old and his Yu-Gi-Oh. We’ll even put trash in that trash if need be. A pizza box is square-ish, so is the trash can. I mean really, what’s the difference?

I'm sorry Wall-E, I couldn't take out the trash! Blade II was on.

And it’s not limited to inside the house, either. When she goes out, she orders wine, and she doesn’t put it in a can neither.

The two stipulations to this: it doesn’t have to be a fancy bar, and she doesn’t have to order it every time. None the less, if she orders wine, accept the fact that she is way smarter than you. She got Pinot Noir, a good summertime red. You got a Jagerbomb and a Miller Lite. I bet you mix all of the sodas together at the fountain too, don’t you?

She calls ahead. Whether it’s to find out if they have a shoe in their size, to make a dinner reservation or get directions, she lets her fingers do the walking. This little tip is infinitely easier then just blindly making trips in hopes of finding what you want. It’s also something I never do. Why? I haven’t the foggiest.

Planning ahead is a big thing that divides the sexes, since she also works backward to figure out how to plan a day. Her flight’s at 7 pm. She has to pack, shower, eat and get to the airport. So she works backward. It takes an hour to get to the airport — 6pm. A half-hour to eat — 5:30 pm. Two hours to pack and shower — so she knows she needs to get moving by 3:30 pm.

With young men? All they know is that they have to leave at 6 pm. Everything else is a crap shoot. That’s why men are horrible at packing for trips. Yes, in fact I did bring one pair of socks, three pairs of shoes, basketball shorts and no towel. I figured I could use your socks and towels and be ready for a impromptu game of basketball, should the scenario arise.

And if you as me why I don’t do these things, I’ll just stare emptily at you, frozen like a deer in headlights. I have no response. Not only don’t I call or plan ahead, but I have no reason not to. So I stand there, hoping that if I stay still long enough, you won’t be able to see me. Like a T-Rex.

She can correctly pronounce the names of ethnics food. This is more than chimichangas and enchiladas. This is shawarma, l’antipasto (which you thought was a food), crostata di fichi e lamponi, kang kheaw whan gai and the like. You might feel comfortable saying, “Lemme get the number seven,” but ol’ girl across the table is going to call it what it really is, in perfect regional diction too.

Don't even bother trying to use its indigenous name.

Her name is Rachel Maddow. She’s way smarter than you. Trust me.

Chances are, every woman you know does one of these things, or is Rachel Maddow. So really, there’s only one stead fast rule when it comes to discovering whether or not a woman is smarter than you, a man — she’s a woman.

Don’t worry though men, I’ll think of some way to even the score.

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2 responses

4 01 2010
MOM

What a smart young man you have become – and you aren’t even 26 yet, the age of probable maturity for today’s males. I am patting myself on the back.

Love, Mom

8 01 2010
Pam Asplund

Dude,
You make me laugh. We laugh because we recognize someone we know. I think I can safely say ALL men practice the sniff test. It is a time honored tradition.
Keep doing what you do.
~pam A

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