New Moon? More like Old Balls

24 11 2009


After watching the first two movies in the Twilight saga (movies that I enjoyed despite Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson’s acting abilities), I’ve come to a stirring conclusion. If someone asked my for a one sentence summary, this is what I would say:

Twilight: In which a vampire falls head-over-heels in love with a girl named Bella Swan, and vice-versa.

Riveting, I know. But you know what, that’s not quite right. (And before we get into that I’m going to stop right here and address the author.

Stephanie Meyer, I have to give you credit where credit is due. You George Lucas’d 16-year-old girls everywhere. This is their Star Wars, and I commend you for that. HOWEVER, your writing is that of a 16-year-old girl. I know, I know, I’m being unfair, “She was writing them for said 16 year olds!”

Well tough titties Steph. J.K. Rowling was writing for kids half that age when she pumped out Harry Potter, and her writing puts you to shame. I don’t know what passes for prose in the Mormon world, but here in America that shit don’t fly.)

Back to the point. After thinking about the summary of Twilight, i noticed there were a few words missing in that sentence, words that drastically change the entire saga for me.

Twilight: In which a 109-year-old vampire trapped in adolescent’s body falls head-over-heels in love with a 17-year-old girl named Bella Swan, and vice-versa.

Think about it. Let’s say you’ll always look 17, does that really mean that’s the dating pool you’re going to fish in for eternity? You’ve already lived over 100 years, how much are you going to be able to relate to her? You saw Kitty Hawk (maybe, someone check my math) and the moon landing. You were around for WWI, WWII, ‘nam, Zubaz and Snuggies. This bitch was born in 1991, she doesn’t even remember Nirvana. You were around before Kurt Cobain was but a twinkle in his father’s eye.

You’re 17 years old on the outside, not the inside buddy. I’m pretty sure Webster doesn’t bang grade schoolers.

Besides the fact that it sounds incredibly creepy, what are the benefits for Ed Cullen by going down this route? Ignoring the mere fact that some high school girls can be as prude as a straight nun (whereas Ed’s been sexually virile for, oh, 93-94 years), the hormonal balance in most teenaged girls (and guys to a lesser extent) makes Mike Tyson look like Ben Stein.

Edward, buddy, I’m sure you can pass as old enough for college girls, I swear. And even though it’s only a year or two in age difference, it’s a massive step up when it comes to sanity. Remember when you were a senior in high school? Remember how stupid and emotional you were? That’s what you’re trying to hitch your wagon to?

It doesn’t make sense, and quite frankly, Chris Hansen is going to have a field day with this one.

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