Jim Halpert’s a real dick.

19 11 2009

It’s Thursday, and for most people in my age demographic, that means it’s time for you to snuggle up to NBC’s comedy lineup of Community, Parks and Recreation, The Office and 30 Rock. Now I could talk about all of these shows (mostly positively too), but today you get just one: The Office.

Specifically, I want you to know — while you watch Dwight and Andy and Michael and Pam and Jim and Ryan and Phallus and Kevin and the rest — that Jim Halpert’s a real dick.

He is the Boston Red Sox fans of The Office: He makes everything worse for everyone else. What’s worse, his dickitude increases with every passing episode.

Most of you, especially the ladies, are feeling rage swell in your belly like a food-baby right now. You’re angry with me, you’re enraged: How could I say such a thing about Jim Halpert, a man who is so loved, there are roughly 34,607 facebook groups named “Jim Halpert is my future husband” or “Zomg I want Jim Halpert’s baby!”?

I mean honestly, HE CUT HIS TIE FOR PAM ON THEIR WEDDING DAY! HOW ROMANTIC! I WAS SOBBING IN BETWEEN MY SPOONFULS OF PEANUT BUTTER, FANTASIZING IT WAS ME WITH THE TORN VEIL!

Take it easy spaz, I’ve got the proof.


He’s got that stupid fucking grin. You smug son of a bitch. You aren’t being cute. Fucking annoying is what you’re being.

I know what’s really behind that goddamn expression you wear like clown paint. You think you’re better than the people around you. You think your smirk says, “I’m so much fucking smarter than these douches.” but it really screams, “I’m a passive aggressive dickface.”

His parents never saw him actually get married. Do you have any idea what childbirth feels like? Do you think Mama Halpert might have wanted to see her son go through one of the most important moments of his life? And instead you got married in ponchos under Niagra Falls?

Plus, The Falls are so fucking loud neither you or Pam heard shit, much less your wedding vows. You could have gotten married, or the priest could have recited the menu from The Great Wall of China Buffet — you’ll never know (“Number four, Crab Rangoon.” …  “I do!”). It’s like sticking your head inside of a jet engine by The Falls. And that’s where you wanted to show the woman of your dreams how much you loved her.

Also, really? Niagra Falls? You proposed at a gas station and got married in Niagra Falls? Was the dress code for the reception jorts-optional or jorts-mandatory?

He hates on Battlestar Galactica, though you know he’s never seen it. Classic dick-move right here. We’ve all been witness to this number, we know how it plays out.

Person: I like (insert name of movie or TV show/Osmond sibling/ice cream flavor).

Dick: You like what?? That shit is so lame, brah.

Person: Have you ever seen it/Wayne Osmond/eaten that flavor of ice cream?

Dick: No, because I knew that shit was going to be so lame, brah.

If you’re just going to trash talk Battlestar Galactica, even though I know you’ve never seen it, then you’re an asshole. Besides the fact that Battlestar Galactica is a fantastic piece of programming, hating on anything you have never actually seen or experienced is the definition of Dick behavior. It’s Dick Behavior 101: An introduction in Dickish tendencies.

I'm with you Dwight, that guy is a total dick.

He’s a dick to everyone at work but Pam. He let Michael fall into a Koi pond because he was bitter Michael was tagging along. He wouldn’t fist bump Toby. He wouldn’t call Andy “Drew”. He’d rather watch the Phillies game than take his girlfriend Karen out on a date. Just because you hate your life doesn’t mean you get to take it out on everyone else, buster. And Dwight? Poor, poor Dwight, you’ve been victim to Jim’s bullying since I can remember.

Also, let’s remind our viewers that he stole the ‘Nard Dog’s phone, threw it in the ceiling and taunted his victim by calling it incessantly. Because why? Because he didn’t like his ring tone.

Who cares if the ‘Nard Dog spent hours making it (one of his favorite hobbies is singing) AND Jim knew Andy doesn’t liked to be picked on (remember his reaction to the Jell-O prank?). Jim’s going to fuck with you anyway. Andy ended up in anger management, but does Jim feel bad about it? No. Because Jim’s a huge dick.

He never dresses up for Halloween. He’s that guy. Everyone at the party is dressed in costume, and he’s wearing the shit he normally wears. What’s that, Jim? You wrote “book” on your face, so you’re costume is facebook? And a couple years ago you put black discs of paper on your shirt in order to make you “three-hole-punch Jim”? Those are lazy fucking costumes, the type that would get you booed by your friends.

You dressed up to work like Dwight in order to make fun him, and you still didn’t dress up for Halloween.

And you know why he doesn’t dress up, too. He thinks he’s too good to dress up. It’s the only reason. Look at Kevin: He wore an Incredibles costume to work. Kevin’s probably retarded, and Jim can’t muster up the ability to get some proper attire? Dick.

He’s A PAPER SALESMAN IN SCRANTON, PA. Yeah ladies, did you remember that one? If you’re spending your life as a paper salesman in Scranton, chances are your life took a wrong turn somewhere.

Now it could be that he genuinely loves selling paper (except for all those times he talks about hating his job), but I like to think there are three other possible reasons for why Jim Halpert is stuck in a dead-end job in a city that rivals Gary, Ind., for the title of “America’s anus”.

A. He’s an idiot.

B. He’s lazy as shit.

C. A little of column A, a little of column B.

And for everyone of you thinking to yourself: “He stayed there for Pam.” — stop. Stop it right now. No man would work for years in a shit-hole like that on the hopes of one day marrying a woman who is already engaged. I don’t care if she’s Aphrodite, Goddess of Love and other Greek stuff, it’s not happening. If you hate your job and you have the option to leave, you’re ghosting faster than Swayze.

He stayed because he couldn’t get a another job, which I assume is because he dropped out of community college.

Let’s take a time out right here. Some of you out there are probably still in complete disagreement with me. You’re thinking, “R&R, you’re fucking nitpicking. Listen, I don’t know what happened in your life that made you so bitter towards Jim and Pam — did you perhaps fall in love with an engaged woman? Were you sexually assaulted by a clown in Scranton? — but all of this is weak evidence and hearsay at best.”

We’ll you know what? Maybe you’re right. Maybe all of that you just read was bullshit. But I guaran-damn-tee you that the next two reasons prove this article’s headline true regardless if you disagreed with everything you just read.

Get ready to be blown away.

He ditched his girlfriend in New York to go ask out another woman. A girlfriend who, you know, was DEPENDING ON THE GUY FOR A RIDE BACK TO SCRANTON. You just fucking left her? In NYC? Without telling her, and no alternate form of transportation? DO I EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE DICKISHNESS OF THIS MANUEVER?

Imagine re-telling that story to a friend:

Person: “So what did you do?”

Dick: “I went back to Scranton.”

Person: “What about Karen?”

Dick: “I left her there.”

Person: “Are you … are you serious?”

Dick: “Yeah man, I just got in the car and left. Wanna Jagerbomb?”

It’s indefensible, which means you cannot defense it. Even if I hated the person I was with, truly genuinely hated everything about them, I STILL wouldn’t leave them stranded a state away from their home.

He hit on an engaged woman. It’s one thing to fool around with someone who has a boyfriend or a girlfriend — that’ll happen. Nobody is proud of it, but there are few people who can cast the first stone when it comes to not meddling with some other person’s fidelity (or their own for that matter). But once that ring goes on the finger?

Game over.

You can’t mess with married menfolk and womenfolk, and a fiance is basically an extension of that. If you are fucking around with married/engaged people, you are making a statement about your own moral compass. They don’t call that cheating, they call that an affair. You wanna be part of an affair? Hell no.

That’s like when your parents used to say, “We’re not mad, we’re just disappointed.” It’s a whole new level of shit. Isn’t it? Am I wrong here? Did Jim Halpert not kiss an engaged woman? Twice? Did I miss the part where that was kosher? Imagine if Toby made a move on Pam right now. There would be a mob of pitchfork and peanut butter spoon wielding women storming the streets.

Hitting on married/engaged women — regardless of how long they’ve been engaged — is a dick move. That’s why, to borrow a line from Twilight:

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, blah-blah-blah teenage vampire stuff, second blah-blah werewolves etc. …

And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably sure that Jim Halpert’s a real dick.

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2 responses

21 11 2009
katiejeanrash

While I will always have a soft spot for Jim in my heart…you have convinced me of his dickiness… well done!

http://brewcitynewbie.wordpress.com/

23 11 2009
ErinMc

Okay, I’ll be the first to admit it. Initially I was impressed with some of the points you made claiming that Jim Halpert is a huge dick. Jim Halpert has always been my number one fictional crush (screw Edward Cullen), and your article actually encouraged me to reconsider my adoration for the guy. For that, I applaud you. Your witty rant not only entertained me, but it almost changed feelings I’ve harbored for years. Don’t get too excited though… in the end, you just added fuel to my passionate fiery love for Jim Halpert.

And so begins my rebuttal…

-First of all, I don’t care if you don’t like his mannerisms. So what? He grins a lot. You call it annoying, I call it quirky and endearing. Facial expressions and idiosyncrasies are a part of a person’s individuality. To quote Good Will Hunting (one of the best movies ever),

“People call these things imperfections, but they’re not. Ah, that’s the good stuff.”

Jim Halpert may be dorky at times, but that’s what makes him interesting. Not a dick.

-His parents THINK they saw him get married. Sure, they ran off to Niagara Falls and technically were not legally bound to each other in front of their families BUT, as far as we know, that’s their little secret. They still had the courtesy to go through the ceremony-somewhat altruistically because they allowed their friends to hijack the wedding and dance down the aisle even though they specifically asked them not to. A wedding is supposed to be about THE COUPLE, but they made it about their friends and family. The ‘Nard Dog’s scrotum, Michael’s painfully awkward and inappropriate desire for attention, and Pam’s creepy conservative Grandma stole Jim and Pam’s thunder. If I were them, I’d elope too. They took a little field trip to intimately say their vows without their dysfunctional guests, but Mama Halpert still got to see Jim say “I do”.

*As for saying their vows by “The Falls”- to each his own. The fact that you don’t want to get married by The Falls is irrelevant.*

-He never actually hates on Battlestar Galactica. He dressed up as Dwight and imitated him with the comment “Bears. Beats. Battlestar Galactica” as one of his pranks, but he didn’t hate on the show, just as he didn’t hate on bears…or for that matter beets. AND NO ONE LIKES BEETS. He was IMMITATING him, and isn’t imitation the purest form of flattery? Granted, I understand he was doing it for comedic effect, but he never actually insults Dwight’s hobbies. I know you love Battlestar Galatica, and it’s a sensitive subject for you, but nowhere in the show does he actually HATE on it.

-He is, in fact, not a dick to everyone at work but Pam. Yeah, okay. Maybe he plays pranks on coworkers. BUT, they’re almost always harmless and only directed towards Andy and Dwight who usually provoke him. The ‘Nard Dog and Dwight engage in some pretty irritating antics, and Jim never really loses his cool. He never yells, he never does anything actually harmful, he just maintains his sanity by annoying them in return. Even when Dwight bugged the Mallard or whatever the hell it was and put it in his office- Jim, who is now in a position of authority, didn’t punish him for violating his privacy like he probably should have. He simply got even.

What’s more, we’ve seen that Jim can be extremely compassionate. In Season 2, Jim threw a party and didn’t invite Michael. Yeah, it was a little mean that Michael was the only one in the office who wasn’t invited, but it was Jim’s party and he didn’t think people would be able to relax if their boss was there. THEN, Michael showed up uninvited and started to sing a karaoke duet by himself. It was awkward and slightly depressing, but instead of being mad that Michael showed up, Jim stepped up and grabbed a microphone to help him out. Furthermore, when Dwight’s heart was broken because Angela dumped him for killing his cat, Jim consoled him. DWIGHT. His arch nemesis. He found Dwight wallowing in despair in the stairwell and had a heart to heart with him, showing his care and concern for the guy who pisses him off 95 percent of the time. He was there for Dwight ,and he even shared his private story about his own experience with a broken heart to show that he could empathize. Jim showed compassion, even though Dwight presumably wouldn’t have done the same for him.

-Being a paper salesman in Scranton, PA does NOT make him a dick. It may not be glamorous or his dream job, and I’m not arguing that Scranton isn’t “America’s anus”, but that doesn’t make him a bad person, Mr. Judgemental. His job may lack prestige, but he still goes to work everyday and even bought a house to provide for his family and there’s honor in that. Besides, he’s still young, and just because he doesn’t have his “dream job” yet, doesn’t mean he won’t in the future.

-We don’t know he ditched Karen in New York to ask out another woman. Before Jim went into his interview, Karen left and said she was going to meet up with some friends. Because it’s a TV show, we don’t actually know what happened between Jim reading the post-it from Pam and asking her out on a date, but he very well may have driven Karen back and dropped her off at home before heading to the office. Or, maybe she texted him during the interview and said she was going to stay and go out with friends in NYC that night. The point is, we don’t know because they never told us. That’s the beauty of TV; they don’t’ have to describe every little detail if they don’t want to .You can assume what you want, but it’s not a fact that he ditched Karen.

-I wouldn’t call professing his undying love for Pam “hitting on her”. He wasn’t trying to “get some”, even if he did kiss her. Jim had been in love with Pam for YEARS, and this was his last chance to tell her how he felt. To quote Michael Scott, “engaged ain’t married”, and Jim had to tell Pam how he felt before she stepped up to the alter with Roy (who actually was a dick, by the way), or he’d always regret it. The fact that she kissed him back and subsequently called off her wedding indicates that she didn’t really want to marry Roy in the first place, and I’m sure she was incredibly thankful Jim confessed his love-even if it took her another season to actually date him. I think it would have been more of a dick move to withhold his feelings from her, especially considering there were MULTIPLE times prior to his confession that suggested she reciprocated his feelings. He wasn’t being a dick, he just wanted her to know her options before she made arguably the biggest decision of her life.

As for the Halloween costume thing…I can agree with you. Three hole punched Jim was lame.

But, other than that., nice try. I think I made it clear that Jim Halpert is, in fact, NOT a dick.

So, in closing, I award you no points…and may god have mercy on your soul.

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