Pitchfucked: Let’s talk about Weezer and young boys

5 11 2009

Oh, Pitchfork. Your albums reviews are shining rainclouds in a world filled with rainbows and sunshine. You hate everything music has to offer, which seems strange considering you are a music publication, but that is just one of the many ways you Pitchfork people prove your superior wits to us lowly mouth-breathers. So let’s read one of your reviews together, so we can all be as educated on what should be considered good and what should be thrown into the Hudson Bay. [note: Pitchfork, R&R]

Peter Pan Syndrome, adults who long for youth so powerfully they begin to act like eternal children. Think Michael Jackson, who in naming his ranch Neverland, certainly invited the diagnosis.

Michael Jackson? Please. Everyone knows Gary Coleman had the worst case of PPS, he longed for youth so powerfully he became and eternal child. Him and Webster.

But most people with Peter Pan Syndrome regress to pre-pubertal life, an age before the complications of responsibility and sexuality.

The highlight of pre-pubertal life? When someone else would wipe your ass. Fucking great. And when’s that going to ever happen again? When your 90? Kill me before that. I want to cherish my ass-wipings, and remember them as when I was a baby-faced child, not a skin full of spoiled milk masquerading as a human.

So what do we call what Rivers Cuomo has?

The kids call it Cooties. The adults — Herpes.

The Weezer frontman seems to be stuck in an eternal puberty, forever 13– confused, horny, hyperbolic, obsessed with brand names.

Ah yes, the good old, the good times filled with masturbating to scrambled porn and pictures from your sister’s Victoria’s Secret catalog. The days when a boob grab could cause involuntary ejaculation. The days when I would have thought Dane Cook and Tucker Max were funny.

Raditude, which, from its goofy name and cover art to its Mountain Dew-jacked sound and melodramatic lyrics, is designed to hit 13-year-old boys directly on target.

Raditude blasts 13-year-old boys with such precision it would make Father O’Shaunessey proud.

And Cuomo is damned good at getting inside the frightening mind of a teenage boy.

Frightening? A teenage boy only has enough room to think about eight things: penis jokes, poop jokes, girls, more girls, Mountain Dew Code Red, more girls, fart jokes and more girls. The fact that teenage boys graduate high school is an achievement as amazing as the creation of the Pyramids or Koala Yummies.

Ye gods, I’m quivering with fear.

and on bonus track “Get Me Some” portrays the teenage experience in four words: “Right now/ Everything sucks.”

False. Those four words are “Right now/ Everything’s fuckable.” Literally. Teenage boys will have sex with anything. People, animals, trees, themselves, stuffed animals. It’s a free for all on Black Friday, you grab what you can and make use of it.

The departures from that formula are harder to stomach, particularly the Bollywood-drenched Hallmark card “Love Is the Answer”, which is absolutely awful.

You know what else is hard to stomach? Mushrooms. Don’t like ’em, never will. They’re rubbery, and they grow out of poop and dead stuff. I’m supposed to eat that? No. Absolutely awful.

But Raditude doesn’t have that stench of minimal calculation on it;

Instead it has the stench of that rag underneath the teenage boy’s bed.

if anything, it’s as earnest as the famously confessional Pinkerton, just written by someone whose age doesn’t match his POV.

And that’s what’s important, being earnest. I fucking loved those movies.

But the record’s teen-boy empowerment message doesn’t have much to offer anyone over 13 years old.

However, if you drive a conversion van and offer candy to tweens, this just might be the perfect lure for your prey. In fact, Chris Hansen’s league of rape-busters is tracking the purchase of every copy of Raditude as you read this.

Perhaps the proper fictional character to reference isn’t Peter Pan, but Matthew McConaughey’s Wooderson from Dazed and Confused— we all get older, Rivers Cuomo stays the same age.

So … I’m supposed to want to fuck Rivers Cuomo?

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