Pitchfucked: Twilight’s New Moon and why Indie kids have souls

29 10 2009

Oh, Pitchfork. Your albums reviews are shining rainclouds in a world filled with rainbows and sunshine. You hate everything music has to offer, which seems strange considering you are a music publication, but that is just one of the many ways you Pitchfork people prove your superior wits to us lowly mouth-breathers. So let’s read one of your reviews together, so we can all be as educated on what should be considered good and what should be thrown into the Hudson Bay. [note: Pitchfork, me]

Album Review: The Twilight Sage: New Moon OST

Sensitive young men who avoid sunlight and the gloomy misfit young women who adore them: For all the gasps that greeted Twilight author Stephanie Meyer’s recent embrace of indie rock,

GASP!

the parallels between the two are obvious enough.

Oh, phew. I was worried for a second.

They’re obvious, though. They’re so obvious, I’m going to spend the rest of this article explaining how they aren’t obvious.

Yeah, of course, indie rock is “just” pop music, but the companion CDs to Garden State, and TV shows such as “The O.C.”, “Gossip Girl”, and “Grey’s Anatomy” (all at one time helmed by New Moon music supervisor Alexandra Patsavas) over-emphasized indie’s adult-contemporary streak.

Yeah, duh, Indie rock is exactly what you think it is. Except it isn’t (GASP!). Indie rock is much more than that.

By contrast, the Slumdog Millionaire, I’m Not There, and Sofia Coppola film soundtracks work partly because they share the same restless disregard for boundaries that indie listeners– ideally, at least– aspire toward.

That is why we Indie kids listen to music! We dare to dream of a world beyond our own! We must have something fresh, unique, challenging! If music were a wine, we’d need a complex and bold Bordeaux, not wine in a can! You The Twilight Saga: New Moon OST, you are the very essence of wine in a can.

As usual, Thom Yorke fares best:

As usual, I suck Radiohead’s dick with the utmost enthusiasm.

Grizzly Bear’s “Slow Life”, with Beach House singer Victoria Legrand, and Bon Iver’s “Roslyn”, with St. Vincent– both welcome collaborations on paper–

Because that’s where music counts, on paper. I don’t even know why they go to the trouble of recording it, when we can just look on paper.

unfortunately fade into ethereal acoustic wallpaper: vaguely pretty, too unremarkable to have noteworthy flaws.

Isn’t that great? Ethereal acoustic wallapaper? I wrote that. It’s so daring, so Kafaka-esque. My editor is going to shit Ray-Ban Wayfarers when he reads it. Followed up by my explanation of how it is too average to have flaws — succulent. Like a haunting declarative ottoman, or a captivating explanatory blender.

Lykke Li’s feedback-streaked piano ballad “Possibility” is a relative bright spot, but like the rest of the tracks here, it pales in comparison to the work on her own records.

And I know pale.

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club’s smoky acoustic lament “Done All Wrong” is probably too hard on itself.

In fact the song does my job for me. Why can’t more songs suck so bad they actually embody their own level of suck?

Even New Moon‘s most adventurous musicians rarely do anything catchy, startling, or moving enough here not to blend into mostly forgettable gothic-romance slurry.

Gothis-romance slurry. I think that’s Wendy’s Halloween version of the Shamrock Shake.

Strange as it may seem, not blending in is what some people want.

Of course, nobody wants to enjoy the norm! Especially not the type of people that would pick up the CD Soundtrack of a book that sold 17, 5.3, 4.5 and 3.7 millions copies and of a movie whose prequel made $380 million worldwide. They would understand and appreciate the value of the unique.

Catchy is what pretty much everybody wants.

I don’t want catchy. Why have catchy when you can have “not-blending-in”? Or “pants-are-simply-too-tight”? Or “mutton-chops-are-cool”?

So indie boys and vampires may have in common their unhealthy pallor, their emotional sensitivity, and their romantic clumsiness,

It’s true, I am such a romantic klutz. Like this one time, when took this girl back to my apartment and played Bon Iver for her instead of Sufjan Stevens. So of course, when I went in for the kiss, she rejected me! I should have known “Skinny Love” would ruin the mood!

but they’re not the same, after all. Believe it or not: Indie kids have souls.

Believe it or not: Indie kids aren’t pompous jackasses. Believe it or not: Our shits do smell like roses. Believe it or not: Indie kids aren’t the most incessantly stuck-up group of people on the planet. Believe it or not: I enjoy the smooth stylings of Barry White, he arouses the depths of my soul. Believe it or not: I just wrote an entire article with one point in mind — my friends and I are better than you.

That last one I do believe.

Rhyme&Reason’s Review:
1. Meet Me At the Equinox (Death Cab for Cutie) –
2. Friends (Band Of Skulls) –
3. Hearing Damage (Thom Yorke) –
4. Possibility (Lykke Li) – ★★★
5. A White Demon Love Song (The Killers) –
6. Satellite Heart (Anya Marina) – ★★★
7. I Belong to You [Remix] (Muse) – ★★★
8. Roslyn (Bon Iver & St. Vincent) –
9. Done All Wrong (Black Rebel Motorcycle Club) – ★★★
10. Monsters (Hurricane Bells) – ★★★
11. The Violet Hour (Sea Wolf) –
12. Shooting the Moon (Ok Go) – ★★★
13. Slow Life (Grizzly Bear feat. Victoria Legrand) –
14. No Sound But the Wind (Editors) –
15. New Moon [The Meadow] (Alexandre Desplat) – ★★★
16. Thunderclap (Eskimo Joe) –
17. Solar Midnite (Lupe Fiasco) – ★★★

The Twilight Saga: New Moon Total ★: 24
The Twilight Saga: New Moon★ Ratio: 1.41

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